Confirmed 'Street Fighter' Cast A Good Excuse To Make Stupid Graphic; Cartoon Movies Now The Dumping Ground For B-List Wanna Be Musician Turned Actor?

Yes, there’s another Black Eyed Peas member trying to weasel his way into Hollywood (the Samoan-or-something dude, Taboo)

It kind of fits, no? After all that garish motley crue do dress like retarded school children and are quite the colorful bunch to look at.

More on that in a second.

Hayooooga!
Remember that game you spent a shit load of time as a kid trying to properly throw fireballs and dragon punches at your frienemy pals in junior highschool? Remember when you wasted all that time and money and stole from the laundromat to feed your video game addiction? Wait, scratch that last part.

Well, it’s coming to theaters… again.
Apparently a version of “Street Fighter”with Claude Van Damme (a campy one in 1994) in the lead wasn’t enough. Someone out there with an outraged sense of nostalgia decided they had to complete a faithful video-game adaptation (betcha that’s the first time you heard that, huh?)

So yeah, the new cast of the new “Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li ” film has been confirmed and announced and as you’d expect, it’s a decidedly C-list round of players that star (though Clarke could arguably called B-list, you wouldn’t catch us dead, arguing for Chris Klien).

Due in 2009, which means they’re going to start shooting soon, and directed by never-times Academy Award winner Andrzej Bartkowiak (the AFI ratified “Doom”), the film – as the title suggests, has the character of Chun-Li as the main protagonist (a girl! in a fighting movie! ha!). Also, those of you mostly familiar with “Street Fighter II” (us ; the classic version of the video), will be puzzled to see newer unfamiliar characters from the extreme version of the video game (‘SF Alpha’).

Gen X-Y fans will be sad to hear that so far at least, there’s no Guile, no Ryu, E. Honda and no Ken. Dare to dream.

CHUN LI (“Smallville’s Kristin Kreuk)
“Lightning kick: Press any K button rapidly. Use this multi hit kick combo whenever the opponent is dizzy. Otherwise use it at close range only.” Wise words, right? According to early gaming guides, “She is very easy to beat because she jumps around so much. When she lands from a jump try to throw her, or place a
strong punch or kick to her”thin and pathetic mid-section” (ok, that last part we made up).

M. BISON (the albino looking Neal McDonough from “Minority Report”)

His special moves require that you hold in directions for a few seconds before pulling a move off. One of his special moves is the “Psycho Crusher” which sends him flying in the direction of his opponent with a damaging spin (note: the great Raul Julia had the distinction of sullying his career before his death by playing this character in the original).

VEGA (Superfluous Blacked Eyed Pea member Taboo)
A masked and fey character who prances around like an effeminate idiot slap-wristing his enemies with a phallic-like claw, this is essentially the same role Taboo has in BEP, so at least this casting is apropos.

BALROG (played by go-to gargantuan actor Michael Duncan Clarke)
“This guy is a boxer. His swinging dash punch is difficult to avoid, and he’ll often try doing them over and over again. If you have a character that can do a projectile, keep doing that move on him. Otherwise crouch and keep trying to sweep him with the roundhouse.” If this character doesn’t have Oscar-winning, 3-dimensional role written all over it, we give up.

CHARLIE NASH (Chris Klein)
Fallen from the B-list, Klein evidently has some mortgage payments to make after that Farrelly Brothers career failed to pan out. He plays the first lieutenant in the United States Air Force, Nash who apparently is friend of the character Guile.

Maxim spread girls Moon Bloodgood and actors Edmund Chen and Cheng Pei Pei have also signed on to star, but so far it’s unknown who’ll they’ll play. Hmmm, speculation? The plot centers on revenge, fighting, do-gooding, betrayal, and the absolute suspension of any remotely plausible disbelief.

Let’s face it. Writing about these films is like shooting fish in a barrell, but it’s fun position to aim from.