Dane Cook w/Jay Davis
Yachting Center in Newport, RI
June 18, 2005

I went to see Dane Cook with Bobby in Newport recently. The ride up was pretty slow, but the night proved to be worth it. Jay Davis opened for Dane, beginning the night with jokes about people in Florida, such as how all of his neighbors were elderly, and he played hide the meds with his 71-year-old neighbor. From there, he delved into white trash and hurricanes, asking why people name hurricanes after people who have "normal" or "soft" names, as opposed to really violent figures. I would rather like to see a hurricane named "Osama" or "Adolf," as that'd be more fitting. Next, he compared himself to Emilio Estavez, then went in for another hurricane joke, about how hurricanes should be named after his ex-girlfriends, so the forecasters could say, "Hurricane Bitch is blowing everyone in the city." Moving rapidly, similarly to a hurricane, some might say, he switched to the topic of phone calls, and how he wanted to change his name to Anthony Stalker, and have it say A. Stalker on the caller ID, but then realized it showed up as "Stalker, A." and seemed so harmless, that would have ruined the entire thing. Knowing it reads last names first, he also wanted to change his name to Dick Big, as he would be calling his exes and having their new boyfriends / husbands tell them they got calls from "Big Dick" and "A Stalker." On this same subject but in the TV genre, he combined "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and "CSI," which led to a Michael Jackson joke and made some insane chick start shrieking that "Michael is innocent," to which groans were heard from other select audience members. He went on to change the tune entirely when the subject became naked men in locker rooms and why it was a peeve of his. When I showed up at the event, first of all I was surprised to note that it was outdoors. They gave out free pizza, which would have been great if not for the fact that I'm allergic to pizza, so I passed on that and went to find my seat, which was near the front but really far to the right. I did not expect Dane's opener to be so good, my expectations were not that high, so I must say Jay Davis was pretty cool. In between Jay and Dane, there was a pizza-eating contest between three guys. Whoever won would get the new Dane Cook comedy CD and DVD set, "Retribution," coming out in late July of this year. The kid in the middle had awesome hair, I decided to cheer him on and sure enough he won so that was pretty cool. However, it was slightly depressing and weak that a comedy event would have a food contest as filler, and I was eager for Dane to take the stage. Fortunately, he did soon enough. People went crazy as Dane walked onto the stage. He talked about why he doesn't like having parties at his house because he is afraid people will break or steal his stuff. One time he had a party at his house and his friends put his mom in a leglock. He, as most people would agree, loves watching drunk people at parties. There is a way to identify the drunk people at parties, first of all they're alone, standing near some sort of plant life and talking to it unintelligibly. They are also grabbing / stroking its leaves. Similar to the whole loneliness concept, they walked around alone as well, which would make sense so they wouldn't knock anyone down, barring plants of course. He talked about being pre-sick at a party, the inability to find the bathroom, and the thoughts everyone has before they puke. He went on to ask everyone to look at their own asses at the time they get sick. Finding odd things in the puke, such as extension cords, was also mentioned in this bit. Soon, he too decided to do a TV spiel, for "The Price is Right" and why it is such a great show to watch when you are sick and taking time off from work or school. He loves the wheel, OH YEAH HE LOVES THAT WHEEL!!, stating that "The wheel is filled with blood." Whether that is true or not is beyond me, but either way it's an interesting concept. It makes me want to watch that show again. The only time I've seen it was when I was at Amanda's a couple years ago when my mom was in England. He gets mad at the show when old women are called up to spin the wheel, stating that they would probably get stuck under it with all the force it would take to spin. A show he truly dislikes, however, is "Wheel of Fortune," except for the first ten seconds when the crowd yells the name of the show. Sure enough, he pulled the audience in and made us all feel like part of the night when we got to join in and say "Wheel of Fortune." It was pretty cool, getting the people involved. I like it. Next, he had the crowd say, "Wheel of Penis," which made my cheeks turn a few shades darker red. He went on to mention his distaste for people turning their cars around in residents' driveways. I can commiserate, as one time this lady drives her car into my driveway, calls someone on her cell phone, and turns around. I was standing at the window wondering who she was and why she didn't park the car, til I saw her turn around and was like next time I'm charging. Dane wants to take things a step further, by knocking on the car windows of people who turn around in his driveway and tell them that, "I will rip your fucking head off if you do that again!" Then he discussed couples who hate each other and dump on each other in public, such as at the grocery store and movie theaters before going into a decently lengthy piece about one-night stands (ONS) and why both men and women feel empty and like they deserved more after it was over. Personally, I have never had one but I know someone who has so I'm sure that must be true, but Dane made a potentially tough topic amusing. In the middle, he also said something about how everyone would feel better if they made random people remember them forever, backing that up with the story of when he saw a little boy walking down the street with an ice cream cone, so he went up to the kid, took the ice cream, crushed it in his face and yelled, "Remember me forever!" Over all, Dane's 45-minute piece was very entertaining, and I left Newport with my cheeks hurting from laughing so hard and often. It was a night well worth it, a great graduation gift indeed. Now, if only I could graduate every year (just kidding).

Written by SL

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