Yes, You Didn’t Dream It, This Was A Movie That Came Out In 2016
A biopic of Jesse Owens co-starring Jason Sudeikis. A biopic of a crap ski-jumper co-starring Hugh Jackman. A heist thriller from an acclaimed director starring Casey Affleck, Chiwetel Ejiofor and Kate Winslet as a Russian gangster. A hostage thriller with George Clooney and Julia Roberts. A YA alien-invasion pic with Chloë Moretz. “Race,” “Eddie The Eagle,” “Triple 9,” “Money Monster” and “The 5th Wave” were all movies that got wide releases this year, but do you actually know anyone who’s seen any of them, except maybe on a plane? Anyway, we saw all of them, and can guarantee that they are real.
Worst Sequel
More or less dumped to Netflix early this year, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword Of Destiny” might have seen Michelle Yeoh return to the role of Shu Lien from the Oscar-nominated classic, but the Ang Lee magic was not at all there. Instead, it was a sort of kung-fu version of one of those straight-to-video sequels to “Timecop” or “Road House” or “Hollow Man,” right down to the casting — Jason Scott Lee! A guy from “Glee”! Entirely lacking in the soul and beauty of its predecessor, it was a disgrace of a follow-up.
Most Racist Movie
When your movie involves Gerard Butler telling an Arab terrorist to “go back to Fuckheadistan,” you know it has to be “London Has Fallen.”
Best Villain
In a spotty year for villainy on the big screen, this comes down to a tie. In the red corner, John Goodman as Howard, the deeply human, deeply batshit bomb-shelter owner in “10 Cloverfield Lane,” a man who ability to intimidate goes far beyond his physical prowess. On the other, Anthony Weiner, shown in documentary “Weiner” to be an egotistical, hubristic, sexually compulsive A-hole of the very top class, but also a man who (after the film was released, admittedly) managed to become a villain of literal human existence after his grubby emails became the reason for James Comey briefly opening the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, and dooming us all to President Babadook. Fuck. That. Guy.
Worst Villain
Apocalypse in “X-Men: Apocalypse,” a mutant who quite literally looks like a dick, who is as powerful as a god but uses his abilities mostly to replicate city-trashing scenes from other movies, and is prone to poorly written monologues.
Most Missed Opportunity To Call A Movie “Jesus Christ: Origins”
“The Young Messiah”
Most Missed Opportunity To Subtitle A Movie “God’s Still Not Dead”
“God’s Not Dead 2”
Most Baffling Arthouse Hit
The TIFF premiere in 2015 of “Eye In The Sky” made it seem like the kind of movie that was destined to disappear — a drama about drone warfare from the director of “Rendition.” But whether it was the legit box-office power of Helen Mirren, that the film was the final on-screen performance of Alan Rickman, or that audiences were finally ready to deal with the subject matter, the film performed like gangbusters with older audiences, and is still the third top-grossing indie of the year. Which, for a film that’s the sort of embodiment of the shrug emoji, is an impressive feat.
Your Mom’s Favorite Movie That No One Else Saw
“Hello, My Name Is Doris”
Your Dad’s Favorite Movie That No One Else Saw
”A Hologram For The King”
Most Spectacular Franchise Implosion
Seeking schadenfreude is an unattractive quality, but having sat through at least two “Divergent” movies, we were truly delighted to see the franchise implode in such spectacular fashion. A deeply cynical attempt to cash in on the success of “The Hunger Games” whose only virtue is that it hopefully bought Octavia Spencer a beach house, this year’s entry, “Detergent” or whatever it was called, made nearly half what previous movies did. And merciful Lionsgate responded by shutting the series down one movie away from its conclusion, mumbling something about there maybe being a TV series that’ll almost certainly never happen. See, not everything was bad in 2016!
Most French Movie
With revolutionary politics, discussion of philosophy, languid teen sexuality and a ton of smoking, Arnaud Desplechin’s excellent “My Golden Days” couldn’t have been more French if it was cycling with a baguette sticking out of the basket.
The Max Landis Award For Biggest Disparity Between Ego And Output
The inaugural year for this award, and who else could take it but screenwriter Max Landis. A man who has no end of opinions on how bad movies with female leads tend to be, but whose own output, like this year’s “Mr. Right,” a movie that starred Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick and still somehow managed to suck like a Dyson, have been almost uniformly lousy since “Chronicle.” He’s currently inducing profound depression in Douglas Adams fans with his, um, “loose” TV riff on “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency” and is an early frontrunner for next year’s award, too: We’ve read his orc-cop movie, and hoo, boy…
Bloodiest Violence
Nothing quite as gruesome as the bisection scene from “Bone Tomahawk” this year, but while it might not have the single unforgettable act of violence, “Green Room” made up for it with sheer volume, with dogs ripping throats out, stomach slashings, and an arm injury that couldn’t help but have you wincing.
Most Unnecessary Sequel
“Snow White And The Huntsman” was a movie released in 2012 that no human beings appear to have actually liked, and yet 2016 brought a movie that was both a sequel and a prequel to it. And if you’d thought that that ‘Snow White’ was the element that brought it whatever modest success it might have had, you clearly don’t work at Universal, who instead focused on ‘The Huntsman,’ and then borrowed from the plot of “Frozen” for its story — hence “The Huntsman: Winter’s War.” The film wasn’t even that bad — indeed, it was better than a fair few blockbusters this year. But at no point has it become clear why it exists.
Best Performance In A Lousy Blockbuster: Emily Blunt In “Huntsman: Winter’s War”
That said, “The Huntsman: Winter’s War” was overstuffed with talented actors — Jessica Chastain, Charlize Theron, Rob Brydon — most of whom were slumming it, but Emily Blunt, as the ice queen sort-of-villain, was legitimately excellent. That’s no surprise for Blunt, but it was still something of a relief to see a performance that wasn’t phoned in, with the actress bringing real melancholy and humanity to the turn, even if she’s ultimately undermined by a bunch of CGI bullshit.
Worst Performance By A Great Actor In A Lousy Blockbuster
For a long time, we thought that Oscar Isaac was physically incapable of giving a bad performance. Then we saw “X-Men: Apocalypse.” It’s not his fault — it’s an awful character, and he’s buried under “Power Rangers”-level prosthesis. But it turns out even he isn’t capable of spinning shit into gold.