Initially deriving from satirical musical performances in Europe in the 18th century (and a term going all the way back to Geoffrey Chaucer), the meaning of ‘burlesque’ has altered over time, evolving over the 20th century, becoming raunchier, now best known, since its recent revival of fortunes, as a kind of alternative striptease, featuring lavish costumes and a kind of teasing wit.
None of these elements can be found in the trailer for “Burlesque,” Screen Gems’ upcoming musical starring Christina Aguilera as an aspiring dancer who gets work at a Hollywood club, run by a former star of the profession (Cher). Opening with the worst example of line reading we’ve seen in a long time, this dreadful-looking piece of shit appears to essentially be a direct remake of the little seen Mary Elizabeth Winstead vehicle “Make It Happen,” without even having the good grace of putting Mary Elizabeth Winstead in it.
Aguilera’s performance looks to at least hit the lows of Britney Spears’ and Mariah Carey’s excursions into cinema, and we dare you to listen to Cher tell her that “When you are putting your make-up, it’s like you’re an artist, but instead of painting on canvas, you’re painting a face,” without laughing; it’s one of the most absurd, pandering lines we’ve heard since Tom Hanks explained to Audrey Tautou what an anagram is.
The person we feel worst for is Stanley Tucci, who appears to be recycling his most popular role of “Meryl Streep’s confidante” to no great effect. And the musical numbers, which in theory should be a highlight, just look like Pussycat Dolls videos; unsurprising, as the director, Steven Antin, is the mastermind between them. Hilariously, he tells the new issue of Empire that he landed Cher by comparing his vision to “Bob Fosse and ‘The 400 Blows'” neither of which are much in evidence here.
Maybe it’s just us. Perhaps you’re a big fan of “Chicago,” but would rather it did away with all that old-timey music? Perhaps you like seeing the word “Burlesque” illuminated in neon? Perhaps you’re a big fan of Kristen Bell, undeterred by the fact that between this, “You Again” and “When In Rome,” she’s fast becoming a major warning sign to stay away from theaters? Perhaps you’re in a coma, and have no choice as to what movie you’re taken to? If any of the above apply, “Burlesque” hits theaters on December 17th, when it will probably make twelve billion dollars. [Vlicious!]