A robotic hand: Architecture in Helsinki. An aspiring high school writer gone missing: Brooklyn’s VietNam. A stripper who inexplicably keeps her clothes on: Austin metallists The Sword. One really awkward sex scene. No, it’s not a Pitchfork intern’s jerk-off checklist, it’s “I Know Who Killed Me,” starring America’s favorite soon-to-be future porn star, Lindsay Lohan. And it might be the worst movie we’ve ever seen. Call it schadenfreude, call it whatever you want, but this movie was thoroughly enjoyable as it charted new territory on the unintentional comedy scale. Here’s the basics: “IKWKM” is a psychological-thriller/ torture porn flick about high-schooler/ aspiring writer Aubrey Fleming who is kidnapped by a serial killer only to reappear missing her right arm and leg and awakens thinking she is someone else – Dakota Moss, a stripper who for some reason, NEVER takes her clothes off and somehow manages to be nasty and unsexy at the same time (strange, we know). Dakota becomes convinced that she is really Aubrey’s twin sister, separated at birth – and sets out to solve the mystery and save her sister. You can imagine where it goes from there. Oh, and did we mention that Dakota is fitted a set of robotic prosthetics that beep when the battery is low? Oh yeah. This movie also has more unnecessary thunder and lightening and owl hoots than Transylvania 6-5000. Remember these names: Chris Sivertson (director) and Chris Hammond (writer) because both are legitimate hacks and should be forever banned from not just Hollywood, but the entire state of California. Don’t pay see this movie, buy a bootleg at your local subway station – you will laugh your ass off for all the wrong reasons – and somehow, you will really enjoy it. Indie-Rock Firecrotch?
The real head scratcher though, is the soundtrack – the only things about this movie that didn’t make us hysterically laugh, it’s just really confusing. (the music supervisor is not listed on IMDB or the IKWKM website; any info out there?). Songs included in this masterpiece are surprisingly decent, VietNam’s “Step On Inside”, the Sword’s “Freya,” Dead Meadow’s “Dusty Nothing,” Architecture In Helinski’s “Maybe You Can Owe Me,” Awesome Color’s “Hat Energy” and The Melvins’ “A History Of Bad Men.” What the hell?
Lohan’s Career Finally Shits The Bed?
‘Her troubles are what made her famous,” says anonymous studio exec told EW in an article published today. ”Her films don’t open. She’s a pain to work with. I think she’s done.” Others go so far as to worry that career death may be the least of Lohan’s concerns. Says another exec: ”I think she has to stay alive.” [‘Killed Me’ has a wretched 6% approval rating at Rotten Tomatoes, fyi]
Can someone tell us what Julia Ormond is doing in this monstrosity? [ed. this post was written by our correspondent Mr.Snrub, still learning how to use blogger]
Download: The Sword – “Freya”
Download: Architecture In Helsinki – Maybe You Can Owe Me”
Download: VietNam – “Step On Inside”
Watch: “I Know Who Killed Me” trailer
