Legend has it that, since roughly 1995, man has learned from their mistake, never once leaving a woman alone to watch the original “Predator.” For what resulted was nearly unpredictable- seeing the cast of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura, Shane Black, Bill Duke and Sonny Landham battle the ferocious monster of the title was known to impregnate unattended females by sheer force of masculinity. Had Van Damme stayed on as the actor underneath the armor, surely many a uterus would have exploded. To this day, few films have carried a cast that intimidating, or even prestigious, with three, count ’em, three governors amongst its cast, as well as Black, who would go on to write “Lethal Weapon” and “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.”
“Predator 2” tried to replicate this formula, but the combination of Danny Glover, Gary Busey, Ruben Blades, Bill Paxton and Robert Davi was, ah, underwhelming. The “AvP” movies didn’t even try, littering their rosters with also-ran TV actors and young underwear models. Now that the franchise is in the hands of Robert Rodriguez and director Nimrod Antal, who brought us the excellent “Kontroll,” it was time to pay proper respect to the badasses that colored the original film 22 years ago. Which is why they’ve cast…
Adrien Brody? And Topher Grace?
Dammit, Hollywood. This is what we’re trying to move AWAY from. Haven’t we got past the era of CGI-assisted wimps like Tobey Maguire and James McAvoy as our heroes? Is this what the failures of Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson have given us? Brody’s given us a few pretty great, interesting performances. But he’s not a good enough actor to convince us he’s a badass in league with someone like Bill Duke. We still have memories of his laughable wrangling of CGI dinosaurs in “King Kong.” And Topher Grace? The babyfaced TV actor has made a strong case for being young leading man material, but when he finally took the stage in a big action spectacle, it was “Spider-Man 3.” And… yikes.
We would understand if this casting was a bit of misdirection, that these two would be in contrast to the rest of the cast, which has been filled with unproven but intimidating tough guys like Danny Trejo (well, not all unproven), Alice Braga (“City of God”), Mahershalalhashbaz Ali (“Benjamin Button,” several TV shows), Walt Goggins (“The Shield”) and UFC fighter Oleg Taktarov. However, Brody is playing the LEADER of a group of hunters who find themselves targeted by the Predators, while Grace plays (oh, man) an accountant who is secretly a ruthless serial killer.
If there was any film in production currently screaming for a true badass lead actor, it was this one. Is Fox working on the cheap again? How cheap is it they can’t spring for Dwayne Johnson? He can’t clear out “Bodyslam Babysitter” on his schedule for this? Is Vin Diesel too busy LARPing and writing Riddick fan fiction? Did they get the memo about Mickey Rourke being back in Hollywood, and possibly owing a favor to Robert Rodriguez? That Predator will take one long look at Topher Grace’s pathetic Venom frame and snicker. Which is fine if they’re making a comedy. Then Rodriguez could call up old buddy Cheech to smoke up the Predator monster and –
Aw, fuck it. Several old reviews of the script, originally written by Rodriguez and punched up by Alex Litvak and Michael Finch, suggest a cameo is in store for Schwarzenegger, reprising his character of Dutch, alive and taken prisoner on the Predators’ homeworld. Is he really going to be jumping for a chance to play a guy who passes the baton to one of the Brothers Bloom? If the production is as cheap as we hear it is, chances are they won’t be able to afford him. Hopefully they can dig up some scratch to bring on long-rumored addition Michael Jai White, who in the recent, surprisingly not-terrible direct-to-DVD action picture “Blood and Bone,” kicks so much ass he would make the entire cast of “That 70’s Show” weep in fright.
“Predators” will be keeping uteruses safe July 9th, 2010.
