“The Da Vinci Code” (2006)
Let’s first head off at the pass anyone wanting to leap to this film’s defense by reminding those pitiable, misguided souls that there’s no earthly reason “The Da Vinci Code” had to be quite so bad. The book is terrible, but its main terribleness is in the lumpen prose — there at least lurked a pacy, twisty, somewhat original plot. It could easily have been a Vatican-set, playfully blasphemous “National Treasure” and it would not have darkened this list’s doors. But instead Ron Howard‘s lumbering, ludicrously self-serious film takes on the Dan Brown bazillionseller as if it were Gospel, making a pretty good job of mimicking the sheer slog of reading the book by rendering it as murky 2 1/2 hour long odyssey through darkened passageways (which in fairness have the benefit of making Tom Hanks‘ wigginess less overt). 2006 was before our time in terms of Cannes attendance, but we can only imagine how deflating it must have been to have suffered through this dreadful film as the kick-off to the festival, less a fanfare than an extended sad trombone. It must have seemed like the tendency for Cannes to pander to the lowest, Hollywood star-driven common denominator with its opening film had reached its nadir. But had it?
What they said at the time: Anthony Lane lamented the film’s devastating uncontroversiality in the New Yorker: ” It is not just tripe. It is self-evident, spirit-lowering tripe that could not conceivably cause a single member of the flock to turn aside from the faith.”
“Grace of Monaco” (2014)
The recent news that Olivier Dahan‘s joke film “Grace of Monaco” was going to get the punchline it deserved by bypassing U.S. theaters altogether and will premiere ignominiously on Lifetime has one up side. It means the majority of Americans will be spared the big-screen version of the seasickness that can result from all those woozy wandering closeups of Nicole Kidman‘s face, as though the cameraman is desperately (and unsuccessfully) hunting for any shred of resemblance to the tragic princess. A staggeringly ill-conceived and poorly executed film which blithely assumes a passionate, empathetic interest in seeing Monaco’s status as a tax haven for the super rich protected at all costs, “Grace of Monaco” has absolutely nothing to recommend it, except possibly as a conversation-ender between Cannes critics comparing war wounds. Though that’s not exactly true —where the likes of “The Da Vinci Code” and “Pirates” are just too tawdry and dull to even excite much derision, there is some real pleasure to be had in ripping into “Grace”‘s horrible smugness, and Derek Jacobi (and parrot!), Tim Roth (and scowl!), Parker Posey (and Mrs. Danvers impersonation!), et al are all on hand to make sure there’s no shortage of risible dialogue and characterisation. Some films are too mediocre to be truly kitschily bad. That, unlike every single other thing, is not “Grace of Monaco”‘s problem.
What they said at the time: Oli’s review from Cannes last year is here, and you can find Jess’ additional take here, but the choicest and most to-the point extract is probably simply the grade, on which both agree: [F]
Honorable Mentions: With 68 festivals to choose from, there was plenty more to include, and we nearly picked “Ben Hur” (1960), “The Collector” (1965), “Sweet Charity” (1969), “Gimme Shelter” (1971), “The Duellists” (1977), “Witness” (1985), “Homicide” (1991), “The Hudsucker Proxy” (1994), “Primary Colors” (1998), “Moulin Rouge!” (2001) and “Moonrise Kingdom” (2012) as particular standouts.
There were plenty more bad movies as well, including “Modesty Blaise” (1966), “I Killed Rasputin” (1967), “Hair” (1979), “Basic Instinct” (1992), “The Fifth Element” (1997), “The Barber Of Siberia” (1999), “Vatel” (2000), “Blindness” (2008) and “Robin Hood” (2010) as among the worst of the worst. Anything else you think we missed? Let us know in the comments.
— Jessica Kiang, Oliver Lyttelton
