Last night, in scenes that were enough to make one throw one’s normal-sized hands up in despair at the state of modern-day American political discourse, expired can of Sharp Cheddar Cheez-Whiz left atop a radiator Donald Trump and U.S. presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had their second debate. The Playlist is not a politics blog — in fact many of us are not U.S. citizens, so imagine how we feel not even getting to vote on whose (hopefully unstumpy, normal-sized) finger gets to hover over the nuclear button — but then again, Donald Trump is, by his own frequent assertion, and in apparently shining contrast to his opponent, not a politician. In fact, while he has spent the last year or so blazing a bafflingly meteoric trail through the GOP to become the Republican nominee for president, leaving chaos and devastation in his wake like a deeply racist, wildly sexist, demagogic, sniffling asteroid beneath a cumulo-nimbus abstraction of the concept of “hair,” he has often referred to his much longer prior career on reality TV, or as an “entertainer.”
Here we’re on firmer ground (not that complete lack of qualification or experience need ever again discourage anyone from pontificating on any field of endeavor, per this election cycle’s example). Trump has a three-month track record as a candidate seeking public office, but a three-decade career as a bit-parter in film and TV. Here we run down the most germane of those appearances, in an effort to better understand the nature of his latest, highest profile and most potentially harmful role ever, and to see what light his previous performances can shed on the spectacle he’s currently making of himself, and of American democracy.
READ MORE: How ‘Parks & Recreation’ Predicted Hillary vs. Trump & The 2016 Election
One thing to note: we’re focussing here on Trump as an “actor” — and so are not counting his many, many “reality” appearances, on chat shows, comedy sketch shows and indeed on “The Apprentice” — though of course all of those, along with the current omnishambles of a presidential campaign, could be seen as simply Trump’s ur-performance, his meta-role. In which case, we could suggest he deserves an Oscar simply for never corpsing and getting through the whole thing with a straight face, except then we remember his actual face, which is never straight and are forced to conclude that even if the Donald Trump we are being asked to vote for is an act, it’s a very poorly performed one.
For our purposes here, the rough rule of thumb is that although he usually appears as “Donald Trump,” and sometimes even “Himself,” in the shows and films under discussion, it’s fair game if he is shown interacting with fictional characters in fictional situations. We could suggest that our focus on this type of role is due to a deep belief in the power of fiction to illuminate deeper truths, but it’s also because no one trusted themselves to sit through 14 seasons of “The Apprentice,” countless “Fox and Friends,” ‘O’Reilly Factor‘ and “Hannity” appearances (why is no one calling Hannity?) and years of “Miss Universe” pageants and emerge with their sanity intact.
“The Jeffersons” (Season 11, Episode 9 “You’ll Never Get Rich”)
In one way it’s appropriate that Trump’s first “acting” appearance was during a 1985 episode of this long-running spin-off of “All in the Family,” since his first recorded appearance at all was in the same show (as “Himself” per IMDB – you can watch that episode here) in 1981. Of course, in another way it’s highly ironic that Donald Trump, not exactly known for his progressive stance on racial issues or wild popularity with black voters should be in a show about an upwardly mobile African-American family. In this cameo, which is difficult to track down now, it appears Trump plays one of several celebrities whom Louise (Isabelle Sanford) fails to recognize during a gambling trip to Atlantic City. This was probably plausible for the time (two years before “The Art of the Deal” came out), especially since the Trump of 30 years ago was a little less “Ralph Steadman cartoon” and could conceivably have blended into a crowd. Now, while we can’t rate Trump’s performance, we can say that it came 9 episodes into what would be the final season of “The Jeffersons” before it was unceremoniously cancelled after a decade on air, though far be it from us to suggest cause and effect. Whatever the case, we can derive some joy from the fact the episode was titled “You’ll Never Get Rich.”
“Ghosts Can’t Do It” (1989)
This is really the jackpot of early Trump cameos — not only is it the reason he’s the first presidential nominee to have a Razzie on his mantelpiece, it also introduces a recurring theme: it’s astounding how frequently these blink-and-you’ll-miss-them appearances manage to shoehorn in a reference to Trump’s sexual attractiveness. In this magnificently shit 1989 film (which you can watch in full here, though God knows why you’d want to), Bo Derek plays a woman whose older husband (Anthony Quinn) commits suicide when he discovers he can no longer make love to her following a heart attack. He then comes back as a ghost that only she can see, and amidst a lot of other plotting to somehow get him a new body, coaches her in carrying on his hardnosed business dealings from beyond the grave. Cue the wondrous business-meeting scene in which Derek and Trump exchange mixed metaphors (Trump: “In this rooms there are knives sharp enough to cut you to the bone, and hearts cold enough to eat yours as hors d’oeuvres”) in soft-focus close-ups like it’s the fucking ‘Thomas Crown Affair.’ “You’re too pretty to be bad” purrs Derek, managing to be wrong on two counts in six words, whereupon Trump does his famous stomach-turning pout and fires back, “You noticed?” You might have thrown up a little in your mouth just now. Don’t worry. It’s normal.
“Lady Boss” (1992)
A TV miniseries based on a Jackie Collins novel sounds about the right level for Trump to have been pitching at at this point in his thespian career, and here his mere 15 seconds on screen time belie the impact he makes on proceedings, which lasts for at least a further 5 seconds after he walks off. The conniving and acerbic Bibi (Joan Rivers) — OK, cards on the table I’ve no idea if she is actually conniving and acerbic, but she’s a Jackie Collins character played by Joan Rivers, so… — is lunching with an equally moneyed acquaintance when Trump strolls over to say hi. As we’ve come to expect of the man in his later years, the first words out of his mouth seem to ring with falsehood — in response to Bibi’s assertion that they had been talking “about the environment,” he says, “Sounds pretty interesting to me.” Though, to be fair, perhaps it was this very exchange that spurred his investigations which led to the explosive revelations (since recanted) about the Chinese conspiracy that is climate change. In any case, after he gives an awkward two-finger wave/salute in farewell, the women (acid reflux moment again, beware) actually exchange these words: “Great guy!” “So attractive.”
“Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” (1992)
Thankfully Trump’s next filmic cameo doesn’t feature a reference to his sexual charisma, as that would be inappropriate given his encounter this time is with 10-year-old moppet Macauley Culkin. Culkin’s iconic, continually forgotten/misplaced yet highly resourceful Kevin is drifting through the Plaza Hotel, and asks a kindly passerby where the lobby is. Said passerby is Donald Trump, who helpfully directs him there only to apparently immediately regret having done so. Perhaps that’s because this was 1992, four years into Trump’s seven-year ownership of the Plaza which ended in bankruptcy filings and an eventual sale at a $75 million loss, and even then he must have realized that errant 10-year-olds were probably not going to be able to contribute much to his money pit’s bottom line. Still, this cameo is among the warmer-and -fuzzier of the Trump screen appearances, even if its innocuousness means that people cherishing fond memories of this film from back when and not expecting to see the Golden Goblin pop up on a rewatch, might get a shock, like this guy.
