“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” (Season 4, Episode 25 “For Sale By Owner”)
A conspiracy theorist’s dream, with a little imagination and a lot of creative license, the 25th episode of the fourth season of Will Smith‘s career-making sitcom, titled “For Sale By Owner” can be seen to eerily foreshadow our current predicament. While it’s mostly one of those lazy archive footage/flashback episodes that sitcoms in the ’90s used to trot out a couple of times a season to give everyone bar the editors the day off, here the nostalgia is cued up by Uncle Philip (James Avery) deciding to sell the family house to Donald Trump, who wishes to buy it because of a certain personal attachment. Trump comes to visit with his then-wife Marla (a nice reminder of the interim Mrs. Trump), and in the scene several noteworthy things occur. Firstly, Carlton (Alfonso Ribeiro) faints with joy at meeting his idol — TRUMP FANS! YOU ARE CARLTON! Secondly we get the powerful, multilayered visual of a young black girl (Ashley played by Tatiana Ali) accusing Trump of “ruining” her life, to which Trump aw-shuckses in reply: “Everybody’s always blaming me for everything,” presumably making a mental note to unleash this tactic against future political opponents. Thirdly there’s a moment when Trump and only-one-L-away Hilary (Karyn Parsons) can be termed to be briefly discussing the occupancy of this (white) house (this is after the obligatory flirtation moment, obviously, which, um doesn’t quite fit the “prediction” narrative). And finally, at the end, Trump stiffs them on the deal and a lackey takes the fall. Perhaps by virtue of its close parallelling of real life, this is among the most convincing of Trump’s acting performances, and is central to the canon.
“The Nanny” (Season 4, Episode 4 “The Rosie Show”)
With all that we now know (and are deliberately being kept in the dark about) with regards to Trump’s finances, perhaps his willingness to show up for drive-by roles in flailing sitcoms whenever a central-casting “rich guy” was needed is more understandable. It’s possible after all that while the showrunners thought they were gaining cachet from having Trump cameo, actually it was Trump learning how to look, walk and talk like the billionaire he wasn’t. If so, his stint on Fran Drescher vehicle “The Nanny” is a pretty great case in point — all Trump has to do is stand there imperiously as a symbol of Miss Fine’s new status (she’s started running with a rich crowd after her alternate career as a TV agony aunt has taken off). There’s the obligatory reference to his stunning good looks — “What am I talking about, all you handsome zillionaires know each other!” twangs Fran, on the point of introducing Trump to Mr. Sheffield (Charles Shaughnessy), and later an oblique comment about the possibility of Fran and Trump banging (“rubbing shoulders and God knows what else”). And in between, Trump moves off to one side and, in true handsome zillionaire fashion, proceeds to use two — that’s two! — cellphones. And if his hands really do seem oddly small here, we should no doubt chalk that up to it being the 1990s, when phones were so much bigger, so it’s probably a relative thing. Also: hilarious that in this alternate universe apparently Trump is a fan of Rosie O’Donnell, on whose show Miss Fine apparently first caught his eye (in fact O’Donnell has the much bigger part in this episode, which is titled “The Rosie Show”).
“The Job” (Season 1, Episode 2 “Elizabeth”)
We’ll confess to not being overly familiar with this shortlived Denis Leary dramedy about disillusioned, boozy, adulterous, chainsmoking NYPD detective Mike McNeil, but Trump’s cameo from the show’s second episode, titled “Elizabeth” is a doozy. McNeil is put in charge of a harassment case brought by Elizabeth Hurley, also playing “herself,” and of course takes a romantic interest in the lovely Liz (who unbeknownst to him is only flirting with him to make another man jealous). But at their first lunch together, Trump comes over to say hello to Liz, because all famous people know each other, and because Trump, obviously “owns this restaurant.” Despite never having met McNeil before, in this clip Trump, playing a version of himself that he clearly feels comfortable with, asks Liz if she’s still together with her boyfriend Jason, and when she demurs, he pivots immediately to McNeil and asks, “Are you banging her?” This must be the scriptwriters going for some of that “locker room” vibe of which we’ve heard so much recently, only this time the woman is right there to witness her sexuality being tossed about from man to man in a kind of you-want-it? Only-if-you’re-not-using-it–buddy parody of entitled masculinity. Gross. (The clip in the compilation above comes at 25 seconds in, but is edited). But hey, at least his “co-star” Leary made his feelings clear later.
“Days Of Our Lives” (2005)
Well, naturally this clip has come to national attention now, as it’s what happens directly after the now-infamous footage of Trump’s Access Hollywood hot-mic incident ends. The revelation of what he was saying about this very actress, Arianne Zucker, just moments before adds a thick layer of ooginess to what was undoutbedly a startlingly oogie scene to begin with. “I’d be a very… willing employee. Working under you… I think could be mutually beneficial,” says Nicole (Zucker) slinking and shimmying her way into Trump’s line of sight as he stares down at her with a haughty, impassive disdain that is in marked contrast to the slavering schoolboy remarks he was making a few minutes prior, but no less sexist and demeaning, in its way. Here we have the perfect example of the two sides of the Trump coin: the grotesque puerile misogynist that he really is behind-the-scenes, and the powerful titan of industry at whom beautiful women throw themselves on camera. The only issue is, the latter is “Donald Trump” — the former is Donald Trump.
So there we have it. There are a whole lot more cameos we could have gone into, but as soon as you start down this rabbit hole there’s a grave danger you’ll never emerge. For the sake of those of you curious to know more of the Fictional Trumps, the 3 1/2 minute compilation reel above at the “The Job” segment is a good place to start. Particularly of note, obviously, is the “Suddenly Susan” episode in which he features on the cover of “Skazzy” Magazine with a line in the bottom left hand corner that reads “Our Next President?” and the “Zoolander” micro-cameo that purely by popping up where it does makes one wonder if his resting poutface isn’t some sort of attempt at Blue Steel. Also of note is the time Trump shaved Vince McMahon at a WWE event, which is not something we can remember Obama, or indeed the Bushes, or Mr. Clinton or really anyone who’s ever run for president, having on their resumes.
The great news for people who hate not having a stomach ulcer is that there’s over four more weeks of shenanigans to go before the election, and of course, one final debate. But if we look at the debates as the various phases of a three-act story, by rights October 19th’s will be the one where all the matters are settled, all deceptions revealed and where finally, Hillary Clinton reaches across the stage and with a magician’s flourish reveals that Trump (per commentator Erin Gloria Ryan of The Daily Beast) has been three kids stacked up in a trenchcoat all along (would explain the hands). Until then, stay strong, America.
