Last year, action megastar Vin Diesel made headlines when he insisted that the release of the hotly anticipated ninth “Fast and Furious” installment – that ever-beloved media franchise that officially cemented Mr. Diesel’s legacy and made him the icon he is today – would not be delayed by the COVID-19 pandemic. Of course, Mr. Diesel is prone to making hyperbolic statements in the press, particularly about the films he himself features in. I mean, remember when boasted the Dom-Letty romance, an essential component of the “Fast” universe, is “potentially the biggest love story we’ve seen in cinema?”
Alas, despite Diesel being just a touch too confident about the release strategy for “F9,” which has been helmed by franchise fixture Justin Lin, there was something almost endearing about this particular example of movie star hubris. After all, many of us wanted to believe that “F9” could beat the odds and go up against the COVID-19 pandemic. Fans know that when these movies are firing on all cylinders, it at least feels like there’s very little they can’t do.
The “Fast” series rests comfortably in the top ten highest-grossing film franchises of all time. The first few “Fast” films are also, arguably, way ahead of the curve in terms of diverse, multicultural casting; frankly, this is as big a part of their appeal as the mind-boggling auto-vehicular lunacy essential to every entry. After all, non-white audiences go to the movies to see characters that look like them and their family (in other words, not just Paul Walker).
Family, of course, is the glue that holds the entire “Fast and Furious” enterprise together. It’s the reason these movies exist, and it’s what makes them more than just brainless popcorn entertainment. A blow was dealt to the “Fast” family when Mr. Walker tragically passed away in 2013, as many believed the actor’s laid-back cool to be one of the “Fast” world’s secret weapons, just as other fans found themselves (Tokyo) drifting towards Mr. Diesel’s growling machismo, Michelle Rodriguez’s steely composure, and the bickering-buddy shtick of Tyrese Gibson and Chris “Ludacris” Bridges. The “Fast” family has grown more expensive and expansive with each new film, adding members like Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Luke Evans, Sung Kang, Gal Gadot, Lucas Black, Nathalie Emmanuel, Scott Eastwood, and, for this new film, none other than John Cena as Dom Toretto’s nefarious brother, Jakob. These are also films that sincerely grapple with issues like loss, sacrifice, betrayal, community, and collectivism… it’s just that the characters are frequently racing, jumping out of, or blowing up an assortment of planes, trains, and automobiles whilst doing said grappling.
Listen, it’s not for nothing that “Fast” producer Neal H. Moritz has cited “The Godfather,” “Donnie Brasco,” and “Point Break” as points of comparison for the series. With “F9” almost upon us, it’s time for those of you who live your life a quarter-mile at a time to kick back, grab a Corona and tuna on white (no crust), and check out twelve of the most WTF-crazy moments in this very WTF-crazy franchise. Enjoy!
12. Train Track Showdown – “The Fast and The Furious”
Remember when “The Fast And The Furious” came out in 2001, and it was literally just about street racers in L.A.? Since then, the series has conquered the globe and will apparently be headed to outer space in “F9,” but despite the relatively grounded nature of the blockbuster that started it all, the gritty David Ayer-co-penned original “Fast” never strains for its many moments of poker-faced ridiculousness. Said ridiculousness hits a zenith near the movie’s climax when undercover pretty-boy cop Brian O’ Connor (Walker, RIP) and chrome-domed street racing god Dom Toretto realize the only way they can settle their differences once and for all involves a drag race wherein the pair just barely miss getting creamed by an oncoming train (it must be said, trains are a big thing in these movies). It’s a Western standoff with souped-up cars instead of horses, and the touching bromance that bubbles up between Walker and Diesel in the film’s final exchange receives a hell of a payoff in the sublimely poignant end credits sequence that caps “Furious 7”… and really, are you even a true “Fast and Furious” stan if you don’t get a little misty-eyed watching that heart-rending send-off?
11. Rat In A Bucket – “2 Fast 2 Furious”
“2 Fast 2 Furious” is the one “Fast” flick that even the die-hards sometimes dislike; alas, this writer is here to argue that a) despite its many flaws, this movie’s buoyant, “Miami Vice”-indebted goofball energy has aged better than most of, say, “Tokyo Drift,” and b) John Singleton’s Diesel-free sequel includes one moment so inventively ghastly that it just had to be included here. Ignore the already-preposterous notion that the movie’s sub-Tony Montana kingpin baddie is played by “Dazed and Confused” jock Cole Hauser and is literally named Carter Verone (lol), and focus on the fact that Verone’s preferred method of punishment for a narc played by character actor Mark Boone Junior involves forcing said narc on his back, ripping his shirt open, and trapping a frenzied, seemingly feral rodent inside a bucket over the man’s stomach. Once the rat realizes it’s trapped, it will proceed to burrow downward, into the schmuck’s stomach, and… you know, you can imagine the rest. Who knew that pure, simple, rat-on-rat nastiness would make for one of the grisliest moments in the entire “Fast” franchise?
10. The Rock Flexing So Hard His Cast Breaks – “Furious 7”
On one hand, there is no shortage of batshit-crazy moments in James Wan’s “Furious 7,” which stretches the limits of physics even for a “Fast” movie. Here, we’ve selected a comparatively modest example, one whose throwaway silliness succinctly encapsulates what fans love about Dwayne Johnson’s Luke Hobbs, also known as the beefy ex-DSS agent who’s always telling people to “take the wheel.” We see Hobbs laid up in a hospital bed, licking his wounds from a brutal throwdown with Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw. Spotting an ominous blaze raging outside his window and hearing the din of police sirens in the distance, Hobbs realizes his family needs him. So what does he do? He turns to his adorable daughter Sam, says, “Daddy’s gotta go to work,” and literally proceeds to contract his cartoonishly massive biceps with such force that his arm cast breaks. To be honest, this is maybe the sixth most absurd thing that happens in “Furious 7,” but we’d argue it merits inclusion on this list because, honestly, this is what passes for subtlety in the world of these movies.