Okay. All right. *Deep breath.*
There are these X-Men sort of people and they live in an invisible city on the moon. Their king and queen are named Black Bolt (his voice can kill you) and Medusa (her hair can kill you). Black Bolt’s brother is named Maximus, and he’s played by Ramsay Bolton, and Maximus is like the Tyrion Lannister of the Inhumans because unlike the rest of the royal family, he doesn’t have any mutant powers. But Maximus is also a power-hungry populist who wants to free the citizens of Moon City (because on Moon City, anyone who has no powers is forced to spend their days in coal mines in the service of the Royal Family). Maximus wants to relocate all of the citizens of Moon City back to Earth where the majority of the city’s population will no longer have to slave away for the royal family.
Wait, hold on. The show is positioning Maximus as the villain here. He ruthlessly orders the murder of several people who oppose him; his henchman (henchwoman?) snaps the neck of a bus driver for no reason at all; he is partially motivated by his jealousy of Black Bolt over Medusa, whom he (presumably) loves. But his goal, in the end, is to free the royal family’s legions of slaves. Meanwhile, our heroes Black Bolt and Medusa, are content to rule over Moon City forever, as their constituents slave away in the mines. Is this show on the side of slavery? One of the interchangeable Royals tells Maximus, “You make me sick. You’re just… a human.” Our heroes are bigots! Tell me I’m wrong about this.
If none of the above made any sense to you, that’s because this show doesn’t make any sense. It’s gibberish. Sample dialogue: “King. Need to find my king. East. West. North. South.”
“Marvel’s Inhumans” features some of the all-time worst acting I have ever seen on a major broadcast network television show, as well as the absolute worst CGI effects in network TV today. Medusa’s hair shenanigans look like bad video-game cutscene graphics, and I have yet to even mention the giant teleporting dog that is a main character on this show.
So, like, why are there people on the moon who don’t have powers? Isn’t the idea that the Moon City was founded to host Inhumans in order to escape the oppression of humans? Are they just the children of Inhumans who happen not to have powers? If so, are the Inhuman parents all happy to consign their human children to lives of mining and servitude?
There is a face in a wall that can teleport you to Earth from the moon. Also, that giant dog can teleport you to Earth too. There’s a gag where Black Bolt ends up on the streets of New York and is presented with an iPhone and doesn’t immediately understand what it is. Funny.
So, Ramsay Bolton. He’s fun to watch, even when he is playing a character with a name as stupid as Maximus. Even when he has to say things like, “I would never treat you the way he does. If you were my queen.”
At one point, a surfer dude in Hawaii meets an Inhuman and says, “You must be one of those Inhumans I’ve read about.”
READ MORE: Final Trailer For Marvel’s ‘Inhumans’ At Least Has A Massive Dog In It
As is the case with every Marvel TV show, the real question that Marvel wants you to ignore is this: where are the goddamn Avengers? By now, we’re all expected to immediately suspend our disbelief and ignore the fact that Iron Man should be cleaning up the mess in every Marvel TV show — but I say: Never Forget! If Marvel wants to have a multi-network, film/television interconnected universe, it should be their job to string together some sort of internal logic as to the various character motivations of on and off-screen heroes and villains.
Needless to say, “Inhumans” is bad. Really bad. Did I mention that the fight choreography is consistently terrible? No? Well, add that to the record, please and thank you. Ramsay Bolton is watchable. Nothing else here is.
Don’t watch this.
Although…
The “Inhumans” premiere does contain the single most dramatic haircut ever put to film. So if that floats your boat… It’s currently airing on ABC and Hulu. Enjoy. [D]