Ever since the birth of popular music, stars from Elvis Presley to Eminem have, almost as soon as their first record hit the shops, clamored to put themselves up on the big screen, often playing thinly-veiled versions of themselves. Sometimes this pays off; David Bowie is normally good value on screen, while Justin Timberlake looks to be turning into a genuinely talented actor. Sometimes… well, did you see “Get Rich or Die Tryin’?”
The latest act to make the transition to the cinema? Somewhat inevitably, it’s 16-year-old sensation Justin Bieber. Deadline announced last night that Paramount are moving forward on a 3D biopic of the precocious singer, to be directed by Davis Guggenheim, Oscar winning director of “An Inconvenient Truth,” of all fucking people. The film will mix performances from the star’s current tour with scenes from his life story, with Bieber playing himself, presumably because Hilary Swank was unavailable.
Some might complain that at 16, the singer hasn’t lived enough life to fill a feature biopic, but those people don’t know the full story. Born Prince Jeremy Van Der Bieber in 1994, the heir to the Latvian throne was disrupted from his planned life of privilege when a plane carrying the entire royal family crashed in Canada, leaving the 6-month old Bieber the only survivor. He was found and nursed back to health by a pack of wolves, and lived for a number of years as a near-feral child. He was eventually found in 2003 by a French-Canadian professional killer named Jacques, who taught Bieber some basic English, naming him ‘Justin,’ after the Archbishop of Philadelphia, Justin Francis Rigali.
Jacques trained his new ward as his assistant, but after three happy years of murder together, was killed on a job, leaving the then-twelve-year-old Bieber once again alone in the world. Around this time, inhabitants of Stratford, Ontario first reported hearing wonderful, magical, heavily autotuned sounds at night — with many speculating that it was the voice of an angel, fallen from heaven. After a spate of grisly attacks on campers and wild animals, Bieber was eventually caught by a trapper, and government officials soon discovered that singing would be the only way to curb his killer instincts, leading to the sensation that we’re all so familiar with today.
Oh, no, wait, we were thinking of another Justin Bieber. Apologies. In all fairness to him, Bieber showed a certain self-deprecating sense of humor on “Funny or Die” earlier in the year, and you can check out his dramatic range below — he’s also set to appear on “CSI” on its upcoming season, as a “troubled teen.” The as-yet-untitled movie will hit theaters in time for Valentine’s Day next year, on February 11th, 2011, a day set to do for pederasts who work in movie theaters what the annual wildebeest migration on the Masai Mara does for crocodiles.