Summer is upon us and that means blockbuster sequels and intellectually-challenging mindbenders surely to make a dent in well, your mind, and the history of culture and mankind.
But we’re not mad or bitter about it or anything.
Pirates 3: This time with 25% more nacho cheese flavor, the eye-line sporting pirates at sea opera concludes in a fireball of nonsensical plot holes, CGI eel-like creatures and crusty Madame Tousseau relic, Keith Richards. Spider Man 3: Charismatic-less lead Tobey Maguire fulfills his video-game contractual obligations as the conflicted (Jewish?) crime fighter that is quip-filled and fun in costume, but curiously wooden and unfun in everyday life. Kristen Dunst stars as the love interest cashing a substantial paycheck. Villains include television actors attempting to be taken seriouslyTransformers: Michael Bay shifts his testosterone-fueled macho fests to the world of potential toy licensing with testosterone-filled do-gooder robots that masquerade as automobiles and blenders to save the world from nefarious robots that impersonate fighter jets and cuisinarts. Nerds are apparently upset that a robot as boom box does not make an appearance. As if anyone could give a flying fuck. Fantastic Four 2: Producers have the Sisyphean task of chloroforming audiences into believing the first film of this franchise didn’t exist. Once again, FF2 includes the incredibly stilted Jessica Alba and the goofball, Laurel and Hardy-esque relationship between the Thing and flame-on fratboy the Human Torch (coincidentally played by real life fratboy Chris Evans). This chapter of the episodic-like feature includes the silent CGI character/potential planet scout, the Silver Surfer and his planet-eating master Galactus. Message board whinners are apparently upset that the normally gargantuan and terrifying Galactus is portrayed by a decidedly ineffectual cloud of dust. They should understand that the budget bottomed out at $200 million and well, tough. Harry Potter: Scruffy faced young adults play aging teenagers who find sexual awakening through 10-sided dice and wizard capes in the 5th installment of the Harry Potter Mcfilm. Previously directed by artisans like Mexican director Alejandro Cuarón, this edition is being helmed by untested BBC TV director David Yates. This section of the story involves Cornelius Fudge, the Ministry of Magic, a suspicious Dumbledore and Voldemort. We seriously did not make any of those names up. Live Free or Die Hard: Honestly, that’s the real title of the film. The 4th edition of the tired nonexceptional guy John McClean doing exceptional feats to save the world has the glabrous Willis facing off against deadly computer nerds whose IQ’s are alarmingly higher than their weight. Rush Hour 3: The third installment in the (sensing a pattern here?) mismatched partners team-up franchise features an actor that has become so fucking rich from these films (Chris Tucker) that he barely gets out of bed to urinate, let alone bother acting, and the amusing, “oh look he’s a cute foreigner” routine of Asian minstrel “I don’t know why they’re laughing, but I like it,’ Jackie Chan. This edition of the franchise also stars Grimus and the Hamburgler. The Simpson’s Movie: Approximately 14 years since anyone gave a rat’s ass, Simpson’s producers timely roll out a 2 hour commercial so unfunny troglodyte Homer Simpson can repeatedly disappoint his family in panoramic widescreen. Oceans 13: Rich asshole movie stars having a good time reconvene for a 3rd installment of fucking around on set while cameras roll. Notably all these needle-dicks fearlessly took considerable cuts in pay to goof off while serious-director-moonlighting-as-popcorn-auteur Steven Soderbergh nervously tried to corralle the laughter and good times into something he can cobble together in the editing room.
Shrek the Third: The ingeniously-titled third installment (you got that?) of the animated series where a revolting, obese green monster and talking jackass delights audiences the world round, Eddie Murphy and Mike Myers return to add flying yachts and golden rocket cars to their households, plus the edition of Justin Timberlake as an animated something-or-other (really, do you give a shit? He could be a talking animated turd, it’s Justin Timberlake!). Antonio Banderas reportedly sings a Sly and the family Stallone song in this one. The Bourne Ultimatum: Perhaps the only accidental franchise with half a brain, amiable neanderthal Matt Damon returns a Jason Bourne, a secret agent so pissed he returns to reenact vengeance upon villains he has already reenacted vengeance upon. Paul Greengrass, the director who traumatized 9/11 audiences in “United 93” returns to unsettle cinemagoers with his reckless disregard for tripods and steady camera shots of any kind.
