“Team America: World Police”
Well, they can’t all be sexy, can they? Having featured a sex scene between Saddam Hussein and Satan in their previous movie, “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut,” Trey Parker and Matt Stone had a job on their hands topping it, but managed it in “Team America: World Police” by throwing in everything but the kitchen sink. After a disastrous mission in Cairo, Broadway actor turned anti-terrorist agent Gary (Parker), and psychologist team-mate Lisa (Kristen Miller) share their feelings, and sleep together. Although, really, there’s very little sleeping involved; at least in the extended, uncensored version (it was cut in half to avoid an NC-17). The two puppets go through almost every imaginable sexual position and act you can manage to do with two people, from good ‘ol missionary to pissing and shitting on each other, and everything in between. It’s not exactly a turn-on, but it’s pretty damn hilarious. And perhaps more importantly, the scene gets to the heart of a more profound point; sex is pretty ridiculous, from the outside at least, and if you can’t laugh during it, you’re probably doing it wrong.
“The Postman Always Rings Twice”
Whether Bob Rafelson‘s 1981 remake (or, if you prefer, second adaptation of James M. Cain‘s novel) is preferable to the 1946 original is up for debate, but one thing’s for certain; the more recent film is a lot more explicit. As with previous takes, the film sees Frank Chambers (Jack Nicholson) come into rural California, where he begins an affair with Cora (Jessica Lange), the wife of a Greek immigrant (John Colicos). Together, they plot to kill the husband, and the usual noirish complications ensue. But one of the major differences from the Lana Turner-starring original (besides a sharp script from David Mamet, his first screen credit) is the initial sex scene between the pair. Frank and Cora go at it hammer-and-tongs in the kitchen, tearing their clothes off, and there’s a desperate, lustful intensity to their coupling that has been rarely matched on screen. Indeed, as with “Don’t Look Now,” rumors have persisted that the two actors did it for real, and you can judge for yourself below.
The Worst
“Watchmen”
Much of Zack Snyder‘s “Watchmen” adaptation (based on the classic comic book series by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons) is tone-deaf and wildly misguided, as is the case with this unintentionally goofy sex scene between two rubber-suited superheroes – the Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman) and the Night Owl (Patrick Wilson). Everything about the scene is clumsy and awkward, including the faux “Batman & Robin” costumes that have to be fumbled off with all the grace of a middle school boy unhooking his first bra. There’s also the fact that they are attempting to have passionate sex while trapped inside a giant, hovering Owl-shaped space ship. Hot! The unintentionally funny cherry on top of this awful sex scene sundae though has got to be Snyder’s music choice – Leonard Cohen‘s mournful “Hallelujah.” Not only has it been overused in everything (especially the Jeff Buckley version) but that song has got to be one of the all-time boner killers. The “Hallelujah” choice took a laughably bad sex scene into “painfully sad” territory, which is where no sex scene outside of a Todd Solondz movie should ever go.
