Not only has sensationalist director Oliver Stone not made a good film in about 17 years (“JFK”), but many of the pictures he has made in that time have been the most wretched, insipid pieces of laughable cinema in recent memory (“Natural Born Killers,” “Alexander”; though “Any Given Sunday,” did have some good unintentional comedy to it).
In keeping with this trend, you’ve obviously heard that Stone is planning on rush-releasing, “W.,” a biopic about the Bush administration this year, and as quickly as he can before Dubya goes out of office in November to capitalize on whatever residual apathetic hatred the country has for him.
We’re not the first people to think this film will likely be a comedy, or more accurately, an unintentional comedy.
As you’ve likely read, much of the principal players in Bush’s cabal have been cast: Josh Brolin will play the bumbling president, Elizabeth Banks will portray professional flower admirer/first lady Laura Bush, Thandie Newton will up the sex-kitten factor of the sexless Condie Rice, and former ‘Daily Show‘ correspondent Rob Corddry will bring the funny as perpetually smarmy White House press secretary Ari Fleischer. Additional cast members will include George Cromwell as the senile George Sr. and Ellen Burstyn who is far too good of an actress to waste her talents on the layabout wallflower first lady Barbara Bush. Fey and limp-wristed British lapdog Prime Minister Tony Blair will be portrayed by the effeminate-looking Ioan Gruffudd.
However, many of the principal players and advisers in Bush’s Vulcan cadre cabinet have still not been cast. The film can’t possibly go on without them and the announcement as to who will play who must be imminent. So as we’re wont to do, The Playlist offers what we believe are our very fine casting suggestions.
Brian Cox as Dick Cheney
Cheney’s contemptuous glaze and his petulant, wicked mien is Death Star-worthy. Brian Cox is a thespian who can turn into a pitbull at the drop of a dime and would be perfect to play the ill-tempered war architect. Hell, he’s already played the part in various films. What’s one more role as a politician who’s pure pestilent evil incarnate? We suggest Brian Cox immediately begin tearing the wings off of baby doves to prepare for the role of the habitually irritable VP.
Wayne “Newman” Knight as Karl Rove
Rove’s self-satisfied smug grin was always one you wished you had the immunity to slap off his unctuous fat face (Not to mention that whole creepy pedophile thing he’s got going on). So, who better to play one of the craftiest weasels of all time then one of TV’s most nefarious and weaselly vermin, Newman from “Seinfeld”? You know the extra sweaty oiliness he could bring to the role would make him that much more detestable. It’ll be like his turn in “Jurassic Park,” except instead of his evil bumbling leading to dinosaurs running amok, he helps create a whole new generation of battle hardened terrorists who want to kill our children’s children. Hello Jerry…
Robert Wuhl as Donald Rumsfeld
Wuhl is one of our most hated actor of all time, hands down, which makes him a natural fit to play the evil and nefarious Rummy. His vile, hammy mugging and his stupid wretched face… (wait- Rummy or Wuhl? Oh yeah, both.) We’ve loathed Wuhl for years (he loves getting cast as a sportswriter and came up with the horrible “Arli$$” TV show premise himself). So, he might not look the part exactly, but he’ll be plenty easy for us to hate! And with some Grandpa specs, some graying make-up, and a few pounds gained, he could perfectly play the one of the most crude and shifty villains that ever lived.
James Earl Jones As Colin Powell
If anyone in Bush’s cabinet had a shred of dignity for most of their tenure it was probably Colin Powell, who then basically flushed all that good-will down the toilet when he was hoodwinked into presenting a bunch of horseshit ‘evidence’ in front of the U.N.to make the case for war. So who better to play him than the Emperor’s very own hand-puppet, the voice of Lord Darth Vader? We can see it now, that part in the resigns his post and goes into hiding, a bitter and betrayed man who squandered his legacy on an unethical administration. Kinda like his role as ‘Terry Mann’ in the first half of “Field of Dreams.” And just as in ‘Dreams,’ we can envision a sequel when a young man with a vision, in this case named Barack Obama convinces the crazy, bitter old kook to come out of retirement for one last shot at glory…
According to a leaked script obtained by ABC, the film “a classic American story,” and shows Bush in his prime, boozing too much, living in the shadow of his esteemed father and suddenly finding a purpose in life; getting religion, giving up alcohol and attempting to not be such a jackass. But does his desire to impress daddy put the rest of the world in danger? The Hollywood Reporter got their hands on the same script (talk about White House leaks) and they sent it to four Bush biographers; one of them who said the screenplay, “Leaves you with the impression that the White House is run as a fraternity.” See? Talk about bringing the Lol’s.
One things for sure, all of the players involved in the film, especially Stone are going to have problems with the IRS come tax time 2009.
Thanks to the invaluable help of contributor Mr. Snruff on this post.
4. 11.08, Update: Three pages of the allegedly real script are up on the Hollywood Reporter site. Get it before it goes down. Bush calls Rove a “turdblossom” on page one, ahahaha.
