Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly handle more “Aquaman” goodness, Entertainment Weekly goes and blows your mind once again, but perhaps not in the way you might expect. This time, we’re not going to see a sopping wet Jason Momoa or a red-hot Amber Heard. No, the latest “Aquaman” picture doesn’t just have a severe lack of sex appeal, but it also makes you question physics, reality and stretches your suspension of disbelief to its breaking point.
I present to you…sea warriors riding sea animals!
Now, I grant you that upon the first glimpse, you might just say, “Oh wow, that seems like a pretty cool action set-piece.” However, when you start to break it down, everything falls apart. Then comes the flood of all the other “Aquaman” questions you have been quietly thinking about but worried to ask. And suddenly, before you know it, no amount of Jason Momoa tattoos or facial hair can save this mess.
Let’s begin with the picture at hand. It appears that rival sea people are about to engage in battle, with one group riding large seahorses (probably the “sea dragons” EW hinted at before) and another group riding great white sharks. Marine biology aside (I assume they have years of experience training wild killing machines to become modes of transportation, so whatever), this just doesn’t make sense.
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In “Justice League,” which is our only real glimpse of Aquaman to date, we saw that the character doesn’t just swim in the water. No, Aquaman fucking flies through the water like a missile…err, torpedo. So, that would lead one to assume that most people from Atlantis would be able to fly through the water. That just makes the need for underwater transportation a moot point, right? Who needs a shark to hold you back when you can swim faster on your own? You don’t see Superman flying around on the back of an eagle. He can fly fine all by himself.
This brings me to my next point, which is the age-old question – “How exactly are these characters going to talk underwater?” Before DC comics purists start telling me it’s telepathy or super-powered what-have-you, we need to refer to the facts. According to “Aquaman” director James Wan, the characters are just going to talk.
“People are overthinking it,” Wan says. “They’re just gonna talk!”
He does go on to say that there will be a special effect showing that sound ripples through the water, but that just doesn’t cut it for me. This may seem like a nitpick, but again, in “Justice League,” when Mera and Aquaman have their discussion, she specifically creates an air bubble for them to speak in. If they can talk without the air bubble, then what’s the point?
Telepathy would make sense but honestly isn’t very cinematic. So that wouldn’t work. And sign language was good in “A Quiet Place,” but having a villain reveal his grand plan using ASL is, again, not very cinematic. I guess Wan has the right idea, but there’s no way that normal conversation is going to look right underwater.
And lastly, before I really go insane, let’s talk about breathing. How are these characters going to breathe underwater? Will they show the audience that these characters have gills? Will the characters just be seen breathing normally? Watch any action movie with a fight scene. Characters breathe A LOT. Big huffing and puffing breaths. In “Aquaman,” is that just not going to be a thing?
Look, I’m a fan of superhero films. I have a long history of reading comics. I’m the target audience for this. And maybe, just maybe, the upcoming trailer will put my fears to bed. However, I can’t help but be afraid that I’ll inevitably roll my eyes throughout this movie and throw my hands in the air in confusion and exasperation.
Maybe some comic book characters are best left on the printed page. What do you think?