At the rate we’re going, “Transformers 3: Clang Pop Wow Pshew Bang” will be indistinguishable from parts one or two in the robot opus. As far as some flowerly-worded defenses get in justifying Michael Bay’s existence as an auteur and not a Pure Satanic Force For Fucking Evil, these movies, filled with fast, flashy, indiscernible special effects and a sea of racist, misogynist one-liners, act as a Mobius Strip where you’re not entirely sure where this crap begins and ends. In a few years, some idiot will convince another poor sap to watch all three movies in a row, and a space-time paradox will open, launching us all into a parallel world where we don’t know where Optimus Prime begins and Megan Fox’s ass ends.
In the meantime, all parties involved are on board for the next, and ideally last, in the world’s most intellectually bankrupt major franchise. Cast and crew all seem to be broken-up about how the nearly billion-dollar-grossing “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” turned out, as if they suddenly broke from some magical winning formula from the ornate puzzle box that was the first film, but that hasn’t stopped Bay and the gang from shooting for the stars. And by stars, we mean President Kennedy and the space race.
CHUD has revealed that the beginning of “Transformers 3” takes place in the Oval Office, where President Kennedy learns of Transformers activity on the moon, leading to the acceleration of the space race. This sort of contradicts the very first teaser trailer for “Transformers,” which we’ve embedded below, but that’s a matter of continuity, and serious adults know these movies are just extended light shows.
This story point is brought to you by producer Steven Spielberg, who is credited with a stronger influence on the first film than the second, though it’s hard to fathom how someone as revered as he would cast his lot with the hellish Sound+Fury assault that is this godforsaken series. The idea of alien robots directly influencing the space race is a fertile one, and if it was Spielberg directing on his own it would likely be a lot of fun, but it’s “Transformers 3”: Michael Bay helmed story centered around namby-pamby Shia LaBeouf, some shuck-and-jive black guy or hip-hop-inspired robot, and bombastically scored scenes of techno-rape.