'Fifty Shades Freed' Is An Unsatisfying Climax To The Series [Review]

The third film in the ‘Fifty Shades‘ trilogy thinks its most shocking moment is when a reluctant Ana (a reluctant Dakota Johnson) opens a drawer full of fancy butt plugs in her new husband’s glam sex dungeon, aka the “Red Room.” However, “Fifty Shades Freed” gets a far bigger WTF when it punishes its audience by making them sit through minutes of Christian (Jamie Dornan, still physically present) playing the piano and singing “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney for no particular reason to the inexplicable awe of his wife and friends. You’d think that by the third film we’d be used to this nonsense, but our threshold for pain still hasn’t risen high enough to find this pleasurable.

Based on EL James‘ books, the franchise began with “Fifty Shades of Grey” director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel trying to make a decent movie out of risible source material, much to the original author’s irritation. For the sequels, James’ husband Niall Leonard took over adaptation duties, while helmer James Foley has leaned into the books’ ridiculousness, directing the films with technical skill while seeming like he’s in on the joke. This approach worked better with last year’s “Fifty Shades Darker,” while this latest – and, please God, last – entry is simultaneously less bad and even less fun.

Starting just weeks after the proposal at the end of “Fifty Shades Darker,” this third film begins at Ana and Christian’s wedding. They honeymoon in France, where Christian adds a dangling Eiffel Tower to Ana’s charm bracelet in Paris, reluctantly applies sunscreen to his wife’s back (is sunburn a BDSM thing?) and refuses to let her sunbathe topless in the French Riviera because other men might ogle her. I’m not sure which of these offenses makes me hate him the most, but Ana’s still into it, despite his behavior marking off items on an emotional abuse checklist.

The inexplicably happy couple is forced to cut their honeymoon short when Ana’s former boss Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson) breaks into Christian’s office. The newly married Greys return to Seattle, where Hyde isn’t their only problem. Ana and Christian are rarely on the same page about anything, with issues ranging from her career at Seattle Independent Publishing to when they’ll have a family, which they maybe should’ve talked about before exchanging their generic vows. But these cracks are exacerbated by the fissures created by the Hyde, who continues to lurk and threaten Ana.

“Fifty Shades Freed” has less “kinky fuckery” than the second installment, focusing more of its energies on the supposed drama and thrills around Hyde than the bedroom – and Red Room – antics of Mr. and Mrs. Grey. A hungry audience does get a sex scene where a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Vanilla reappears in a nod to “Fifty Shades Darker,” but like most of the movie, it’s less sexy than it is silly. This feels like a love scene inspired by Cosmopolitan sex tips before it got woke. Plus, Ana and Christian really seem more like they’d be Häagen-Dazs fans anyway.

With this changed focus, “Fifty Shades Freed” seems to miss the point of why its fans are watching. If they’d wanted a crime drama, they’d watch “Blue Bloods” reruns. Instead of centering on love and lust, the movie forces viewers to sit through car chases, a courtroom scene and multiple kidnappings. Ostensibly aimed at an adult audience that craves equal parts romance and raunch, “Fifty Shades Freed” appears to have been written by a teenager – and not just because of its groan- and giggle-inducing dialogue, lack of emotional investment and thinly drawn characters.

There’s no knowledge of any element of how the world functions, particularly in its approach to relationships. Christian infantilizes his wife and tries to control every aspect of Ana’s life, telling her, “I wanted your whole world to begin and end with me,” which sadly might seem normal if you’re young or inexperienced enough. But this emotional abuse has been consistent –and consistently troubling – throughout the series, without there ever being real consequences in the relationship or for Christian, with Ana even saying that he treats people well (which got one of the film’s bigger laughs at the press screening). If it had a different score and a more appropriate reaction from Ana, “Fifty Shades Freed” wouldn’t be a romance. With lines where the villain tells his victim, “I’m not ready to share you with anyone.” we’d have a creepy stalker thriller instead of a lukewarm love story that romanticizes the mistreatment of its protagonist. [D+]