A happy All Hallow’s Eve to you all. You have all likely already planned your costume for this evening’s festivities/partying but a few of you might still be trying to think up that perfect disguise. Thus, as a part of our unflagging dedication to public service and staunch belief that you always avoid being a predictable twat whenever possible, we have decided to warn you away from what will likely be the most played-out Halloween costumes this year. Best of luck out there!
1) Anyone from the Batman Universe
We shudder to imagine how many Jokers and Two-Faces will be unleashed on the cities of America this evening. The unfortunate truth is that most of these supervillains will look exactly like what they are: comic book nerd-o’s dressed in one-size-fits-all drugstore ripoffs of “The Dark Knight’s” antagonists. Yes, “TDK” was impressive and Heath Ledger‘s Joker was a revelation in comic villains, but it doesn’t really need any additional tribute in the form of your subpar Halloween get-up and lisping, Sylvester the Cat attempt to sound like Ledger did (basically sounding like he was eating wet potato chips while talking). Without the aid of several Hollywood makeup artists and costume designers, your own re-creation of the Joker or Mr. Dent will probably just make you look like a sad, stupid goon. And as for the Dark Knight himself–well, that would only be slightly less played out. Even in the Adam West throwback costume.
2) Juno MacGuff/Paulie Bleeker
“Edgy” teenage girls and skinny Williamsburg rocker boys will no doubt be tempted to go in tandem as the sickly sweet couple from last year’s hit “Juno.” You remember–that was the one that was the indiest film since, like, whenever. As it’s fairly simple–stripey shirt, jeans, skirt and hoodie for the girl, shooooort shorts, headband and hoodie for the boy–this get-up will no doubt attract a lot of the same people who liked this nauseating movie. The real problem with this one, though, is that all the Kimya Dawson-loving hipsterettes who decide to shove a beach ball under their t-shirts will probably want to act like Ellen Page’s character as well. Frankly, the idea of spending the night with a hamburger phone-using “sass” monster makes us want to keep our pork swords at home.
3) Indiana Jones
A nation full of geriatric creak-meisters who felt empowered by Harrison Ford’s return as adventuring archaeologist Henry Jones might just break out the ol’ bullwhip tonight. Planning on an adventure called “Indiana Jones and the Search for the Replacement Hip,” these rejuvenated oldsters will hit the streets in droves. The good news here? They’ll all be home before the rest of us even make it to the second bar.
But even stupid toddlers will think dressing in khakis and a leather jacket will get them more twizzlers and other shit that will rot your dentures toothless and leave you with a painful stomach ache. What? We told you to stop eating that shit hours ago. What? Christ! Serves you fucking right for eating it all in one sitting. No, we can’t go the park. What? No, we’re not renting “Wall-E” again. Just be sick in your room already.
4) James Bond
Daniel Craig looks like a well-oiled government killing machine in his close-fitting tuxedo. You will look like a lonely teenager whose prom date just called and canceled. While the image of a well-dressed gent crying into a pint of rocky road is quite hilarious, it might not be the look that you want to conjure up for a night out on the town. Also: just because you’re pretending to be the debonair 007 does not mean you can spend all night ordering martinis “shaken, not stirred” and hitting on anything with boobs. And unless you actually carry a gun around all night, most people will think you’re just going as “Creepy Millionaire.”
5) Wall-E
For kids: cute, clever, forward-looking. For an adult: weird, upsetting, potentially disturbing. The titular hero of Pixar’s agitprop masterwork would, with enough work, make an amusing outfit for a youngster. If, however, you’re over the age of eighteen, people will just think you look homeless and or just lace your vodka with cyanide. Basically this costume assures you of never getting laid on Halloween.
[ed. blame the extra nastiness on me, not Seth 😉 ]