Dwayne Johnson’s Ample Chest & Charms Cannot Rescue ‘Baywatch’ [Review]

At a crucial plot moment in Paramount’s big-screen adaptation of the popular ’90s lifeguard TV show “Baywatch,” brash, upstart recruit Matt Brody (Zac Efron) is playing with a dead man’s shriveled penis in a morgue. At the behest of his boss, Lieutenant Mitch Buchanan (Dwayne Johnson), Brody is looking for clues specifically in the “taint” region, trying to find anything that might point to the cause of the local politician’s covered-up death. When it comes to solving crime, the Baywatch lifeguard team will dive to great depths to expose the truth.(L-R) Ilfenesh Hadera as Stephanie Holden and Dwayne Johnson as Mitch Buchannon in the film BAYWATCH by Paramount Pictures, Montecito Picture Company, FlynnPicture Co., and Fremantle Productions

In another elemental scene, schlubby, awkward and aspiring Baywatch recruit Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass) has accidentally stuck his penis inside of a wooden beach deckchair because the eye-catching, pendulous breasts of lifeguard CJ Parker (Kelly Rohrbach) have caused an embarrassing erection he’s trying to hide. Thanks to Buchanan however, the organ is freed and the gathering crowd, posting images from the spectacle on Instagram, are overjoyed.

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This is “Baywatch,” a movie fixated with dicks, breasts, big pecs, and crass, juvenile jokes. But believe it or not, “Baywatch,” dumb jokes aside, is pretty stupidly entertaining — at least for its first 20 minutes. If “21 Jump Street” is the high bench mark for contemporary comedy adaptations of cheesy ’80s and ’90s TV shows, hilarious and irreverent in its deconstruction of its own template, then “Baywatch” at first appears to be aiming for the same design. “21 Jump Street” cannily used the foundational skeleton of the show and ditched the rest, making for a pretty enjoyable piece of mainstream comedy. “Baywatch” attempts the same, but quickly fails and eventually abandons the concept for an action film with laughs and heart. As per usual, Johnson’s charisma is off the charts, his chemistry with Efron is strong, and he has effortless facility with comedy (if you like The Rock, you’ll get some mileage from the movie). But aside from silly gags here and there about Efron’s Justin Bieber-esque likeness, “Baywatch” quickly sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

blankA kind of mentor/mentee narrative mixed with a crime story, “Baywatch” centers on the relationship between the lifeguard chief Buchanan and the new recruit Brody, an arrogant two-time Olympic medalist disgraced from the sport for his impetuous, partying ways and bad-boy behavior (clearly modeled after Ryan Lochte). Forced upon the Baywatch team as part of his probation (obviously, this makes no sense, but whatever), Brody quickly begins to butt heads and chests with Buchanan. Meanwhile, shady businesswoman Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra) is covertly smuggling drugs into local swanky clubs and offing any of the officials who are onto her plan. With the authorities turning a blind eye, it’s up to the Baywatch team to expose the crime, but will the Olympic aquanaut keep his douchebag attitude in check and realize there’s no “I” in team?

Such are the existential conundrums of “Baywatch,” a comedy that actually attempts to occasionally float emotional sentiments about Brody’s tormented inner angst and backstory as an orphan who’s always struggled to fit in. All of this comes amid crude jokes, of course, and this is where the middling “Baywatch” holds no water.

(L-R) Ilfenesh Hadera as Stephanie Holden, Kelly Rohrbach as CJ Parker and Alexandra Daddario as Summer in the film BAYWATCH by Paramount Pictures, Montecito Picture Company, FlynnPicture Co., and Fremantle ProductionsBodies are fundamental to “Baywatch” as well, beyond the many dead ones that wash up at sea. Efron’s beefcake-y eight-pack and bulging physique is a grotesque, overdone 8th wonder (even the Herculean physique of Dwayne Johnson is comparatively relaxed). Significant side characters in the film that do not go ignored are the voluptuous chests of Rohrbach and Alexandra Daddario, who plays another new recruit. Their plunging swimsuit décolletage is referenced often and generously.

Directed by Seth Gordon (“Horrible Bosses“), “Baywatch” is surprisingly sloppy, even for a silly action comedy of this mild caliber. Much of the editing feels shoddily cut together and the CGI veers from noticeably cheap (characters on a boat with clear green screen behind them) to laughably bad (a boat on fire and the cast tearing through it to save lives is hysterically awful). Cinematically, the film is often visually incoherent in its action. But most of the movie’s well-considered camera blocking centers around finding ways to perfectly frame Rohrbach’s enormous cleavage and the gratuitous slow-motion shots highlighting breasts that seem to defy gravity.

Alexandra Daddario as Summer in the film BAYWATCH by by Paramount Pictures, Montecito Picture Company, FlynnPicture Co., and Fremantle ProductionsWhen not fixated on dicks, revealing swimsuits and farcical jokes about both, “Baywatch” tries to focus on its crime story, before finally exploding into full-blown but unengaging action. About the only funny idea explored in the film is the wanton vigilantism and a complete disregard of the law by the rogue-ish lifeguards solving crimes that the police should actually handle. And while the notion is played with, it’s still never as amusing as it could be. Pointless cameos from the original cast on top of it all are just an ineffective distraction.

An alpha-male chest-off, a teamwork tale and a redemptive story about a brat who finds his inner hero, that “Baywatch” places a premium of brawn over brains isn’t surprising, but its insistence on trying to balance wannabe sincerity and earnest actions with laughs is a tonally misconceived idea. Ultimately more forgettable then deplorable, “Baywatch” isn’t so much a disastrous spill in the ocean as it is disposable garbage making a mess. [C-]