6 Redundant, But Real Reasons Why 'Watchmen' Fails in A Post-'Dark Knight' Landscape

“The Dark Knight” and “Watchmen” are oranges and apples, yes?

Well, yes and no, both the original graphic novels which inspired both films were published within a year of each other in the mid ’80s and both took a dark, depressed and extremely cynical view of where their tightly-wound Regan/Thatcher conservative eras could possibly take us in the future.

Both were responses to contemporary anxieties and projected them onto imaginary dystopias — Alan Moore’s “Watchmen” ran with the contemporary nuclear fears in an alternate 1980s where Nixon’s abuses of power had transformed the world, and Frank Miller’s “The Dark Knight Returns,” took a ground level look at a world gone mad, infested with a similar crime and moral bankruptcy with a Batman who had returned some 25 years after he had retired (again, set against a cold war and a nuclear backdrop).

Both worlds had essentially become societal sewers and had decided it really had no purpose for caped crusaders other than government sanctioned all-powerful super heroes that fought the Russian commies (Dr. Manhattan and Superman, respectively) and acted as nuclear deterrents. But after Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight,” it’s tough to reconcile the substantial gritty power that it delivered and the sometimes unintentional hilarity that Snyder brought to our doors. Put it another way, ‘Dark Knight’ was up for 8 Oscars it was that good and missed Best Director and Best Picture noms by a hair. “Watchmen” will by lucky if it can even scrape up a VFX nomination.

1. Watchmen Doesn’t Feel Real; Nothing Is At Stake:
While, “The Dark Knight” wasn’t anything like an exact remake of “The Dark Knight Returns,” Christopher Nolan and his collaborators wisely imbued their world and spirit with the same level of desperation and despondency. “TDK’ felt authentic and was moored in an urgency anyone could relate too. Something was at stake…

2. The Tone Is Goofy:
And unfortunately, Zack Snyder’s hamfisted “Watchmen,” has none of that and while its world is superficially dark — how they love those “Blade Runner” references! — its ever-important tone and feel lies somewhere between, “The Rocketeer,” “Batman Forever” and “The Phantom.” Violence is the only anchor and it’s pretty over-the-top.

3. Faithful Fidelity Was A Bad Idea:
Set in an alternate 1980s universe where the cold war rages on, Nixon has served five terms and nuclear destruction is a palpable cultural fear, it’s a what-if scenario if abuses of power turned America into dark, depressed empire in decline. New York resembles its infamous ’70s days, and crime, violence and prostitution rules the roost. In Snyder’s “Watchmen” this is of course unveiled in an admirable opening montage that tries to cram in decades of backstory and vital cultural context into six minutes with an iconic Bob Dylan song to boot. But it doesn’t quite capture or convey the state of panic and distress as it covers about 30 years of ground in a “Forest Gump” manner where the Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) was seemingly everywhere (funny and winky, perhaps, but it’s hard to take very seriously). It’s decidedly campy and cartoony. Sure “Watchmen” looks exactly like the comic novel, but obviously, to a fault; its hopeless devotion just doesn’t help in the hands of this lesser filmmaker (the removal of the squid – the one big deviation was one of the few smart choices).

4. The 80s Are Cornball:
Another inherent problem — and surely fans will be appalled at this notion — is that the “Watchmen” story is dated. Written in ’85 and published in ’86, the story is almost 25 years old and was always meant to be an allegory for the Regan/Thatcher Orwellian 1984 years of conservative fear mongering and nuclear cold war disquietude. But by refusing to update it in any manner – the high fidelity of dogged literalness – there is zero contemporary connection to ground it or make it feel honest. Snyder skates by with vaguely similar fumes of 9/11, but none of that resonates in any deep manner, even if there are shots of the WTC twin towers still standing. Just having them there isn’t enough and that empty gesture is indicative of a lot of the creative choices in the film.

5. Dark & Gritty Vs. Dark & Cartoony:
While there is one gigantic weapon of mass destruction in Dr.Manhattan, unlike say “The Dark Knight,” none of it is grounded in any of the grim and dankness that both comic worlds contained. The “Watchmen” look is a glossy sheen, the visuals have a glowed halo, the colors too bright and too ’80s — it works in the comics, the neon smut tones, but onscreen they look preposterously cartoony. It’s a fairytale world and doesn’t resonate in any contemporary manner. The elements are all there on paper, but they’re hollow and lifeless. And yes, all these “issues” stick exactly to a T to the comic-book, but it just doesn’t help it feel believable in this post-“Dark Knight” world (even “Iron Man” and its fun, humor feels more honest).

6. Emotion, Truth And Grittiness Are Sold Separately:
Watchmen is supposed to be a world where superheroes are more human than hero, with real fears, torment, baggage and anguish, but here, the plastic costumes, earsore-ful ’80s music, dialogue and wooden acting all feels like lip-service put on screen and distract from any emotional depth. And when “Watchmen” attempts to feel “real,” it mistakes punishing gratuitous violence for depth. The Comedian’s attempted rape of the Silk Spectre I, doesn’t convey any deep-seated problems to her life, it’s just an excruciating beating for the sake of an excruciating beating. The delivery of everything is just hard to buy on any level.

6.5 The Music
Let’s not even go there. It’s so misguided and filled with laughable self-importance – the touchstones of the counterculture 60s! – it’s a piece unto itself. The sex-scene to Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” is an instant ludicrous doozy, woo.

Why is Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight” considered the greatest comic book movie ever made? Because it knowingly transcended the comic book genre and ghetto of cornpone camp and unbelievable elements most non-comic audiences can’t hang with, by mostly eschewing all the ridiculous elements that work in comics and don’t work onscreen – the man knew what do discard and had a keen sense of the two mediums being, uhh… two different mediums. Regardless if it didn’t contain any obvious cultural nods to contemporary fears (post-911 or otherwise), ‘Dark Knight’ conveyed a razor immediacy, a heart-stopping fear of destruction and anarchy around the corner and everything was grounded in an all-too-genuine reality (at least compared to 95% of all comic book movie). It also just set the bar way too high for any other charlatans. Nolan’s a firstclass filmmaker and was before he shot ‘TDK.’ Zack Snyder is not.

Snyder’s campy world of nipple suit, fetishized leather and cod pieces? Well, it’s slightly less goofy than “Batman Forever,” but it’s still too far away from any contemporary world to make it anything more than a spectacle to enjoy. But if “Dark Knight” irrevocably changed the way you see comic book movies and your relationship to super heros — which it did, and you’re expecting more of that, consider “Watchmen” three steps backwards (way past “Iron Man”) and best of luck. Even “X-Men 3” by Brett Ratner was more believable than this. Mark our words: no matter how much the fanboys ejaculate, this one is not going down in the annals of classic super hero movies.